Comments:

"Well, it's time once again for one of our Best Dramatic Post nominees, so, without further ado... once again... the Puppet Head Players!"

Trissia and Schneider, dressed all in black mime outfits, walked to the lectern and knelt behind it.

"I'm so, so sorry," Threnody apologized, and left the stage.

Two puppets, one a papier mache Jack Paris, the other a big potato with Ebreth Tor features poked up from behind the lectern.

"Hi there," said the Jack puppet in a squeaky voice. "I'm Jack Paris, and this is Remembering Lita/Too Much Me For My Own Good!"

The Ebreth puppet lay on its side and started making snoring noises.

"Zzzz... wee wee wee... Zzzz... wee wee wee... oh, yes, do me, Khyri... Zzzz... wee wee wee... sure, you can join us, Lita... Zzzz... wee wee wee..."

"What?!?" Jack cried. "Oh, my, he's talking about Lita!" The Jack puppet shook the Ebreth puppet.

"What is it? I was having a dream without any prophetic warnings!"

"You were talking about Lita! I liked Lita!"

"I liked Lita too! Don't hate me!"

"Okay, I will not hate you!"

"Okay! Good night!"

"Good night!"

The Ebreth puppet lay down again. "Zzzz... wee wee wee."

"Oh, my, am I such a schmuck!" the Jack puppet said.

Both puppets stood up and bowed.

Comments:

A grim man in black wandered out. As he reached the lectern, he began casting a spell.

"Uh, Luth?" Schneider asked. "I think you're just supposed to announce the award."

"There are more important things at work here," Luthien said. "I am attempting to retrieve the last thoughts of Jonah Cohen. Perhaps that will assist Pluvious in his murder investigation."

"Okay, but while you do that, could you, like, dance or something? You know, to entertain the audience?"

"No."

"I'll just, ah, let you finish, then."

Luthen continued chanting.

Finally, his eyes rolled up into his head, and Schneider led the audience in a round of applause.

"No... the truth... it cannot be!" Luthien cried, and slumped forward.

"So, Luth, figure it out?" Schneider asked.

"N... no," Luthien said, drained. "There was triumph... then pain, great pain. Something covered his eyes... and then... nothing."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Schneider, I am quite sure. Perhaps you are right, I should just go on to the nominations."

"You're the necromancer... or is that lich these days?"

"Don't tempt fate."

"Right."

Luthien pulled a black envelope from his jacket.

"The nominees for Biggest Waste... ah, for Funniest Character--excuse me--are...

"Asinus Paris, played by Douglass Barré.

"Kerouac the Second, played by the late Jonah Cohen.

"Marty Hu--

"Who?" Schneider called.

"NO," Luthien said coldly. "--played by Douglass Barré.

"Skitch, played by Kristin Andersen.

"And the Three Succubi, also played by Kristin Andersen."

"Killjoy," muttered Schneider.

"And the winner--the winner, by Arawn--is... Marty."

Schneider looked disappointed.

"Just go on to the next one," Luthien sighed, and stomped off stage.

Funniest Character

1st Marty Hu (Doug)

2nd Skitch (Kris)

3rd Kerouac (Jonah)

4th Asinus Paris (Doug)

5th The Three Succubi (Kris)

Comments:

Marty wandered onstage left, crossed the stage, and exited stage right.

"But there are all these people out there!" he whined.

"Look, hunky," Trissia said, "aren't paladins supposed to be immune to fear?"

"I didn't get that far in the manual," Marty said. "The pictures scared me."

"Look, Marty, I'll go out with you and protect you from... whatever you're scared of."

"That's going to be a full-time occupation," Threnody said, smiling.

Finally, Trissia wandered onstage dragging Marty along.

"Uh, can you move the statue?" Marty asked. "I'm afraid of statues."

"Big surprise," Trissia said. "I'll give it to your girlfriend to hold." The hostess picked up Marty's 'Funniest Character' statuette and tossed it out into the audience.

"Ow!" yelled Rani as she refused to attempt to catch it and it hit her in the head.

"Okay, uh, people," Marty said, clearing his throat as Trissia stood on his foot to keep him from running. "I'm, ah, supposed to give this award for the Best Running Gag. Like, I think my favorite running gag was when I ran away from the scary clown guys but I guess there's been a lot of running on the board, so, like, anyone could win this. Just before this, Rani kept running away from me, so, like, maybe she'll win."

"The word 'teleprompter' is lost on you, isn't it, beefcake?" Trissia sighed.

"Like on Star Trek? Those things always gave me the whim-whams. What if you never materialized again? Or an evil duplicate of me got created?"

"We could be so lucky. Just announce the award, okay?"

"Oh. Yeah. Right. So, like, for Best Running Gag, the nominatives are...

"The Ask Doctor Swank show. Wow, I watch that every morning right after 'Blue's Clues'!"

"Keep going," Trissia prompted.

"Uh, okay... next is Kerouac stuck on Valende. Oh, I remember that. That was pretty funny.

"Then Kynvelyn and Fleegle Eat Brains... when did that happen? I don't remember that happening. Did I miss it?"

"It took place somplace else. You know, where you weren't?"

"Oh. Is that fair?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Well, I'm afraid of brains, anyway."

"That much is obvious, Marty," Trissia said, grinning to the audience.

"Lilith says math is hard. Whoa, how true. Math is really hard. That's why we keep a Jack around to do it for us.

"And, uh, finally, the Monster Society of Evil.

"Did someone say EVIL?" cried a loud voice from the audience.

"Aah!" Marty cried. "A heckler! Save me!"

Trissia grabbed the envelope as Marty hid behind the lectern.

"The winner for Best Running Gag," she sighed, "is... Kynvelyn and Fleegle Eat Brains!"

Fleegle wandered up.

"Kynvelyn left with his date," he said. "Give me the statue. I'll, ah, pass it on to him later."

"Wasn't he not supposed to leave?" Trissia asked.

"He's ditching town to run for the border," Fleegle smiled innocently.

"Are they gone yet?" Marty whined from inside the lectern.

Best Running Gag

1st Kynvelyn and Fleegle Eat Brains

2nd The Ask Dr. Swank Show

3rd Lilith: "Math is hard!"

4th Kerouac Stuck On Valende

5th The Monster Society of Evil

Comments:

The Empress of Dalencia was next, striding regally up to the lectern.

"As the newest in the long and somewhat sad line of Dalencian Emperors, the hereditary responsibility for announcing the Best Villain nominees falls to me."

"Hereditary responsibility?" Threnody whispered Schneider. "This is the first year we've done this?"

"Yeah, dollars get you donuts that she's snapped and is reading books that aren't her own."

"I must have SILENCE!" Cailin cried.

"Ti'Ar'Na?" Schneider offered.

"I was thinking Wyvern pawn," Trissia added.

Threnody shrugged. "I guess I'll take Malcar. Ante up, I'll hold the pot."

"Villain," Cailin continued, "is really such a relative term... oh, hello there, Mr. Sturoster."

Pluvious had approached the lectern and was now standing next to the Empress.

"Is there something I can do for you?" she asked.

"I'm just here to interview the winner," Pluvious said. "It's likely that whoever is the most evil villain here would know something about the murder."

"Well, please keep your running subplot to a minimum," Cailin said. "I need to get this award announced."

"Please go ahead, ma'am."

"The nominees for Best Villain are...

"Ariath, sister of the original Ariath.

"Beliath, dean of the Dead College.

"Norna, valkyrie member of my Ravagers.

"Omeria, Duke of Tobrinel.

"Schneider... Schneider?" Cailin turned to where the hosts stood over a pile of money.

"Don't look at me," he said. "I voted for the Ti'Ar'Na."

"Well, then," Cailin sighed. "The winner for Best Villain for the year 814 is... Ariath!"

"What a surprise this is," Pluvious muttered as the blonde first-level mage walked onstage. "Ma'am, I need to ask you a few questions. Where were you when Jonah Cohen was backstabbed?"

"Backstabbed? I don't know anything about that. Did I mention that I was just a first level mage?"

"I'll put it in your statement."

"Perhaps we could get a bottle of rum and talk this over in a bath?"

"I don't take baths on duty, ma'am," Pluvious said.

"Far too easy," said Schneider as the stage cleared for the next award.

Best Villain

1st Ariath

2nd Norna

3rd Omeria

4th Beliath

5th Schneider

Comments:

Ariath bursts aesthetically into tears and rushes up the stairs to the dais. "Oh, thank you!" she gushes at Empress Raimonde. "Thank you all! This is the happiest day of my life!

"I'd like to thank all the supportive, trusting people who have made my career as a villain possible--Oethnar, Rhynwa, and all the Significants, the Rat Pack, Duke Deveaux, and all the wonderful people of Tobrinel. Special thanks to Khyri and Ebreth, without whose help I could never have achieved an Endicott this year."

Ariath blows a beaming two-handed kiss.

"Further thanks to Trillarillia Carraria and her Schism Tine, for reviving my stalled career, and to all the members of Bloodscar, for always being there when I needed them. Finally, of course, I will always be indebted to Arlene Rapkin for helping me to pull off my very first evil betrayal without arousing suspicion. Thank you all, and watch your backs!"

Comments:

"I liked her bubble bath scene," says Ebreth.

"Shhhhh!" says Khyrisse.

"More villains should get naked before they betray you."

"Shhhhhhh!"

Comments:

Puppet Head Theatre presents: Point of No Return.

(Sign: APPLAUSE)

Starring:

Lando Calrissian in Battle Gear as Ebreth

Tickle Me Elmo as Jack

and

Moldy Pork Chop as Aelwyn

(Curtain raises on a shoe box diorama of a pirate ship. Two stick figures are in the back eating a lump of macaroni glued on.)

(Enter: Aelwyn and Ebreth)

Aelwyn: I am so very evil. Let me tell you all my plans.

Ebreth: Do tell me all your plans. I am not a Paris spy.

(Suddenly, out of nowhere... Jack appears!)

Jack: Hey everyone! I'm Jack Paris! Hee hee hee! (Jack vibrates eerily.)

Ebreth: Jack? What are you doing here?

Aelwyn: Ack! A Paris!

Jack: I am here to save everyone by sacrificing myself to the pork chop!

Aelwyn: Cootchie cootchie coo!

Jack: Hee hee hee! (More weird vibrating)

Ebreth: Jack, don't be a weenie!

Jack: Let him go and I will join you, Mr. Pork Chop!

Aelwyn: Okay.

Ebreth: Noooooo!

Jack: Don't come back for me, Ebreth! I am lost forever!

Ebreth: I will not come back for you, Jack, I lie.

Aelwyn: Take him away! And bring me my Shake-n-Bake!

Jack: Hee hee hee! (Vibrating as the curtain falls.)

(All puppets bow.)

"Oops. I dropped the pork chop, Triss."

"Leave it. It's gross."

"Next time I don't listen when you say we can double our salaries," Threnody sighed.

Comments:

A lean man in a fighter pilot jacket wanders on stage.

"Hi theah," he says congenially. "Ah'm Palmer Khan, and ah'm here to introduce the next award for... Stupidest Move?"

"Yeah, it was a little mix-up," Schneider lied.

"This disparages me," Palmer said.

"Bygones," Schneider smiled. "Just introduce it."

"Well, all rahght," Palmer sighed. "You know, we never did know for sure if she really was just a lab assistant, you know. She could have been sahm sort 'a evil sorceress or possessed by the Ti'Ahr'Nah or somethin'."

"Just the award, please?" Threnody sighed.

"Stupidest Move is an ahward given out to the charactah, or, this year, player, who did something so obviously idiotic that no one in theah right mind would have done, even on a dare.

"It doesn't include things lahk trying to defend yourself against a possibly dangerous killer, ah might add. You know, ah've put in years of redemptive service to put that incident past me. Ah don't think ah deserve this sort of underhanded snipe."

"No snipe. Clerical error," Trissia shrugged.

"Ah mean, people fall all the time. You can't blame it on a guy just 'cause he was standin' at the top of the stairs she plummeted to her death down."

"We're not."

"Okay, then... the nominees for Stupidest Move are...

"Ahnjra hirin' Belle, written by Jeff Hersh.

"Diahria tryin' to reclaim the Shadowlands, also by Jeff Hersh.

"Garal tellin' the demon cat all about yah're plans. That one's by Eric Gasior.

"Introducin' the Blob that Wouldn't Die, done directly by Jeff Hersh.

"Ahnd, finally, trustin' Ariahth. Kristin Andersen.

"See, all of these things are willful... not some sort of accidentahl fall, I might point out."

"Accidental fall. Right. We believe you, Palmer," Threnody said.

"The winnah of Stupidest Move... is trustin' Ariahth! A repeat mistake, ah might add."

"Thank you, Palmer," Schneider dismissed.

Palmer Khan, annoyed even within his test pilot temper, turned and began to stomp off stage.

Then he slipped on the pork chop, and fell down the stage stairs.

"Huh," Threnody said. "Maybe we were wrong about the guy."

"Nahhhh..." said Trissia and Schneider in unison.

Stupidest Move

1st Trusting Ariath (Kris)

2nd Diaria trying to reclaim the Shadowlands (Jeff)

3rd Tie: Anjra hiring Belle (Jeff)

4th Tie: Introducing the Blob that Would Not Die (Jeff)

5th Garal telling the demon cat all about our mission (Eric)

Comments:

From backstage, the regal and cool figure of Eric Tremontagne, Lord of Cynystra, strode out, his long coat flowing behind him like he was in a John Woo film.

"Ladies. Gentlemen," he said, gazing out over the audience. "I cannot say what a pleasure it is to be here myself today, leaving my work unfinished and my country on hold while I announce your award."

A loud snort came from somewhere in the audience.

"Before I make my announement, however," Eric continued, "I was given this note. Could all the storyboard authors please meet with Pluvious Sturoster backstage to answer a few questions about writing style. Something to do with your silly little murder, I suppose."

Eric took a moment's pause as the audience murmured nervously.

"I am here today to announce the award for Biggest Surprise," Eric continued. "And the reason that I'm here myself," he added, "is that I have a surprise of my own."

"This isn't on the program!" Trissia hissed backstage.

"That's why it's a surprise, duh," Schneider said.

"He's got paperwork for it," Threnody said, flipping through a contract that had been handed to her.

Eric continued. "I'm glad to see so many familiar faces here to share in my good news. As you know, being Lord of Cynystra is a lonely task, and since my recent... estrangement... the castle has been rather quiet."

"Oh, flark," a woman in the audience said.

"So," Eric continued, "it is my pleasure today to announce that sometime in the next few months, depending on if you're using Synchronized or Active Time, I will become a father."

"WHAT?" the female voice cried.

"Shh, dear," Ebreth Tor said.

"I'm not going to reveal at this time who the MOTHER is," Eric smiled, "that question will have to be a surprise until the time of birth."

"Hey, he can't introduce subplots," Schneider said. "The Endys aren't canon."

"Nope," Threnody frowned. "He's got a clause of canonity in here. He's thorough."

"So, now that you all are as pleased and anticipatory as I am," Eric continued, "let's give that award for Best Surprise away. The nominees in this category are...

"Ember is Khyrisse's daughter, by Laura Redish. Hm. Interesting.

"Jack surrenders to Aelwyn, by Douglass Barré.

"Janus is Warp and Jack. I had figured that one out. Also Douglass Barré.

"The Second Jack Paris, Douglass Barré.

"And, finally," Eric said with a knowing grin, "the oddly misnamed Two Men and a Baby. Kristin Andersen."

"Bite me!"

"As I'm not one to leave people long in suspense," Eric smiled, "let's just open the envelope. The winner is... Jack surrenders to Aelwyn. Congratulations."

"Get him out of here," Threnody said, "before there's a second murder."

Best Surprise

1st Jack Surrenders to Aelwyn (Doug)

2nd Ember is Khyrisse's Daughter (Laura)

3rd Two Men and a Baby (Kris)

4th The Second Jack Paris (Doug)

5th Janus is Warp and Jack (Doug)

Comments:

The audience had finally simmered down, though most of the press was at the phones. An average-looking woman in a natty business suit strolled on stage.

"Hello, everyone," she said. "I'm Katherine Shienwold, and I'm here to announce the winner of the Best Setting Post. The rest of the Non-Crucified Heroes couldn't be here tonight, as we're still looking for Quint. Since I was the resident architect, we decided that I would be the most likely member to be able to say something sensible.

"Setting is something that we sometimes take for granted, but without which we all might find ourselves in different worlds. Take, for example, this place here, the Anita Tuvin Schlecter Auditorium. The author of the ceremony has a very clear idea of what it looks like, as he spent hours here listening to his walkman doing summer writing homework. The rest of you, however, might have very different images in your heads.

"Close your eyes with me. Picture a room the shape of a hexagon, with a stage taking up a third of the area, moving out from one of the hexagon's lines. At the points where the ends of the stage meet the walls, small stairways allow access. Between those points and the vertices of the hexagon are exit doors.

"In the other two corners, tall stone steps like bleachers rise up about twenty five feet. On these steps are bolted-down plastic swivel chairs, each with one of those wooden desktops that school seats have, the kind that you can pivot and tuck away. The cushioning on the chairs is red.

"The walls are dark wood, as is the floor, but of a slightly lighter grade. The ceiling is about forty feet high, and small cut out circles hold powerful but unaesthetic lights.

"Behind the lectern on the stage is a long blue curtain, and sewn into it is a golden silhouette of the Endicott statuette."

"AAAAUGH! STATUE!!!" came a scream of fear from within the lectern. Marty Hu leapt out of it and ran offstage, waving his hands in panic.

"How... how long was he under there?" Katherine asked.

Threnody massaged her temples. A headache was definitely coming on.

"Maybe I should just read the nominations," Katherine said.

"For Best Setting Post, we have 'Into the Ar'xhay' by Kristin Andersen.

"Also, 'Kris Has Been Reading Too Much C.L. Moore,' also by Ms. Andersen.

" 'Meeting of the Minds', again, Ms. Andersen.

" 'Rooms' by Douglass Barré...

"And, lest we had forgotten her," Katherine smiled, " 'Ungodly Long Post, But I Couldn't Resist,' Kristin Andersen."

Katherine expertly unfolded the envelope. "The winner is... no surprise here... 'Meeting of the Minds,' Kristin Andersen!"

As Katherine turned to leave the stage, she peeked quickly under the lectern. "Empty now, folks," she smiled.

Best Setting

1st "Meeting of the Minds" (Kris)

2nd "Into The Ar'xhay" (Kris)

3rd "Rooms" (Doug)

4th "Kris Has Been Reading Too Much C.L. Moore" (Kris)

5th "Ungodly Long Post, But I Couldn't Resist" (Kris)

Comments:

"I, personally," Belle said as she addressed the audience, "would like to add on the record my SUPPORT for the Most Tolerable Diarian category, even though I wasn't even mentioned."

Belle smiled evilly.

"Though I'm sad to hear that the Emperor didn't win this year. It might be his only chance."

"Excuse me, Belle," Pluvious said, poking his head in from offstage. "Could you page Douglass Barré? He didn't come backstage to talk to me. Oh, and stop threatening to murder people, okay? I'm kind of busy."

"Killjoy," she said. "You hear that, Barré? You're suspect number one! Get your ass out of town! Screw the pigs!"

"Oh, that helped," Threnody sighed to Pluvious.

"Anyway," Belle continued, "I'm not about to do some stupid song and dance for you all to entertain you... make some sort of joke out of myself... so just shut up and listen to the nominations."

"Hell and Back. Liked it except for the Back part.

"Omeria Agenda. You go, girl.

"Orion's Belt. Aside from the anti-female-psionic messages, I guess it was okay. They sure stuck it to the Man.

"Skeins of Fate. Who cares, they didn't show any alternate mes.

"Unbearable Swankness of Being? Man, you guys are lame. You better have a good plotline name for when I kack the Emperor, or I'll be coming for you all."

"Oh, yes, that's right, threaten the authors," Threnody sighed. "Triss, can you get me an Alleve?"

"The winner of this stupid thing is..." Belle tore the envelope open with her teeth. "Hell and Back. Whoopie. Can I get back to what I was doing now?"

Best Plotline Resolution

1st Hell and Back

2nd Unbearable Swankness of Being

3rd Skeins of Fate

4th Omeria Agenda

5th Orion's Belt

Comments:

"On behalf of all of Hell and everyone involved in the Hell And Back plotline," says Geryon, "I'd like to thank the Academy for recognizing its fine resolution. Morally ambiguous, pyrrhic, and tragicomic, the end of this plotline saw the Rat Pack recovering their lost comrade Ebreth Tor only to find him already destroyed; Khyrisse Starshadow leaving her uncle Pieret behind in Hell; Pieret betraying his friends to Mephisto; Khyrisse selling the soul of Lucas St. Augustine to Mephisto; and Asinus Paris haggling Mephisto's pants off while Kit Branagh lifted his wallet. Kudos to all the postwriters and characters involved in the resolution of Hell And Back, and from all of us, thanks to the Academy for this award. Be seeing you." The big devil grins.