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The 1998 Endicott Awards

(Last Updated: 5/4/98, 8:40 EST)

Time: 05/04/98 00:54:53
Character(s): Praxis, presenting
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Best Plot Element

Comments:

"I'd like to take my opportunity up here to interject a note of seriousness to these proceedings," Praxis said as he took the stage.

"IHAVETHEHATDAMMIT!" a woman shouted from the audience.

Praxis sighed. "Well, there goes that idea," he said.

"With all the characters, friend and enemies, the plots and plans that immerse our world, sometimes it is easy to forget just how important the small things can be. The category of best Plot Element celebrates those clever devices, traps, artifacts and macguffins that are at the center of every quest."

"Like us, boss?" Body asked.

"Keep up, will you please?" Mind chided his partner.

"For instance, without the Schism Tine, where would we all be today?"

"Alive!" came a cry from the undead section of the audience.

"Or the Septum Potentis," Praxis continued.

"Octem!" cried Omeria.

"Novem!" called Ember.

"I HAVE THE FLARKING HAT! I'LL FIND YOU, YOU BASTARD!"

"Perhaps I should just get on to the nominations. The nominees for the award of Best Plot Device are...

"The Ghede Cinqjours Tests, added by Kristin Andersen.

"The Oyster Totem, created by Jeffrey Hersh."

"Go oyster!" came a raspy donkey-like voice from the audience.

Praxis ignored the heckling. "The Remnant, implemented by Douglass Barré.

"The Twelve Missing Souls, discovered by Laura Redish."

"Twelve?" someone hissed backstage. "I thought there were thirteen?"

"And finally, Vic and Jackie Paris, enacted by Douglass Barré.

Praxis put the envelope to his forehead.

"The winner," he said, not opening it, "is... The Twelve Missing Souls, Laura Redish, producer."

As he walked off stage, he turned to the audience. "Next time I let the moon crash."

Best Plot Element

1st The Twelve Missing Souls (Laura)

2nd The Remnant (Doug)

3rd The Oyster Totem (Jeff)

4th Vic and Jackie Paris (Doug)

5th The Ghede Cinqjours Tests (Kris)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:57:33
Character(s): First Intendant Lilith
Author: Laura Redish
Title of Post: Plot Element Acceptance Speech

Comments:

Lilith ascends the dais smartly, the green and yellow flame that clothes her body crackling and dancing. "On behalf of us all," she says, "I'd like to thank the Academy for their recognition of the plotworthiness of our Twelve Lost Souls, and also all the postwriters for their interest in and excellent depiction of Hell this year. Ours is a fascinating plane just rife with violence, tragedy, plot twists, and comic relief, and as the Intendant of Hell I am grateful to Storyboard for bringing some of that to the surface. Thank you all very much."

"So... Intendant," calls Schneider. "How many souls are still at large, anyway?"

"Well, there's--" She stops and turns her head quickly towards the jester, and her bright red lips part in a grin. "Nice try!" She laughs a long, rich laugh, and then abruptly stops. "Don't push it," she tells him, and descends the stairs with her Endicott gracefully.

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:57:50
Character(s): The Hosts
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: Remembering Past Winners

Comments:

"Okay, Trissia, this is the part you wanted, right?" Threnody asked.

"Yeah! Cool!"

Trissia ran out on stage.

"Okay, this is the part of the program where we fondly remember the past winners of Ataniel Storyboard awards."

"Uh, Trissia?" Threnody interjected. "This is the first time we've had the awards. There are no past winners."

"Oh. Never mind."

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:02:18
Character(s): Warp + Kyria
Author: Jonah "I have the hat! Heh-YIKES!" Cohen
Title of Post: In the audience

Comments:
"Heh, didja catch that, Kyria? Those Rat Pack losers should just call on ME to clean up this WAHP mess!"

"Right, chief," she sighed.

"This Quell guy is death on camera," Brandy Fesh told her producer. "Cancel his invite to the post party."

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:03:43
Character(s): Kynvelyn and Fleegle, presenters
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Best Humorous Post

Comments:

A tall blond half-elf and a man who looked uncannily like Bjorn Borg walked up to the lectern. Both were wearing t-shirts that read "I'm With Stupid" and had arrows pointing to the left. The half-elf got to the lectern first and took the rightmost position.

"Hey everybody!" he grinned into the microphone. "I'm Kynvelyn, master thief, and this is my partner Fleegle."

"Sure, don't say anything about me."

"He's a cleric of an obscure luck god. Who's dead."

"I liked it better when you didn't say anything."

"There's no pleasing you, is there?"

"Hey, it was your idea to do this."

"And a great idea it was. Stick around, you'll notice that they run out of statuettes at the end. I'll give you yours back at the ship."

"Cool beans."

"Anyway," Kynvelyn said, turning back to the audience, "Fleeg and I are here to present not one, not three... but two awards!"

"Way to anticlimax."

"Only kind you get, Pima."

"Bite me."

"First," Kynvelyn said, looking up again, "The award for the Best Humorous Post."

"How come none of the ones with us in them were nominated?"

"Hm. Good point. I'll just erase some of these here... hang on... distract them."

"Ladies and gentlemen," Fleegle said while Kynvelyn was busy scribbling on his envelope, "I'd like to take this opportunity to say a few words about Untitled Theatre Company number 64. The company has been in existence since early 1994, and has been one of the backbones of off-off-Broadway absurdist theatre."

"Are you distracting them or boring them to death?"

"Both. It'll confuse them."

"Works on me," Kynvelyn muttered. "But I think we're ready now."

"Okay. Can I read?"

"No you can not read. I wrote the envelope, I get to read it."

"Jerk."

"Blork. Anyway, the nominations for Best Humorous Post are...

"Kynvelyn and Fleegle in The Dark Horse Candidate, by Kynvelyn and Fleegle.

"Kynvelyn and Fleegle in A Night in Perotsville, A Day in Botswana, by Kynvelyn and Fleegle.

"Kynvelyn and Fleegle in Science Fiction Novel Number Forty-one, by Kynvelyn and Fleegle.

"Kynvelyn and Fleegle in Kynvelyn and Fleegle Meet Abbott and Costello, by Kynvelyn and Fleegle.

"And, best of all, Kynvelyn and Fleegle in Topless Teenage Girl Convicts, by Kynvelyn and Fleegle.

"The winner is..." Kynvelyn put his hand out, and Fleegle dropped an envelope into it. Kynvelyn produced a letter opener with a stylized "P" on it and opened the envelope.

"I, Khyrisse, by Jonah Cohen?" Kynvelyn glared at Fleegle. "Didn't you replace the envelope, you idiot?"

"Oh, like you asked me to do that?"

"Duh, it was pretty damn obvious!"

A tall man with messy hair and a "Mr. Science" t-shirt was walking up to the lectern from the audience.

"Go away," Kynvelyn said, "we're fighting."

"I'm the winner. I get to make a speech."

"Fine. But we get to fight more when you're done," Fleegle whined.

The man stepped up to the lectern. "My name is Jonah Cohen, and I have a terrible revelation to make."

The room fell silent.

"I am not, in fact, the author of the post 'I, Khyrisse.'"

The room fell silenter than it was the first time it had fallen silent.

"But I'm keeping the statue," Jonah added.

"Go for it," Kynvelyn muttered. "We already got ours."

"Over the last month I have been involved in an investigation of epic proportions," Jonah continued. "I have been trying to find the true author of this bitingly satiric post, and after careful deduction, I have determined who the author is!"

"We guessed that much," Fleegle snickered.

"The author of 'I, Khyrisse' is someone in this room!" Jonah cried. "The real author is--"

The lights went out.

Someone that you'd have to be really incredibly stupid to not know was Jonah screamed.

The lights came back on, and Jonah Cohen was slumped over the lectern, a large empty bloody hole in his back.

"Tell me we didn't see that coming," Kynvelyn sighed. "It wasn't me. I, uh, don't know how to backstab. I missed that day in thief school."

"Boy, I hope he doesn't win anything else," Fleegle said. "It'll really start to reek up here if we need him again."

Best Humorous Post

1st "I, Khyrisse" (Jonah)

2nd "Just Then..." (Doug)

3rd "Dazed and Confused Den Mother"/"How About Wising Off" (Kris (w/Laura))

4th "In Khyrisse's Pocketses" (Laura)

5th "Ditty Bout Cori And Valende" (Doug)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:15:16
Character(s): Ariath, Ebreth
Author: Laura Redish
Title of Post: The Usual Suspects

Comments:

"Ari, I didn't know you could write," said Ebreth.

"It wasn't me! I was, uh, a math major, actually."

Jack gave her a very skeptical look.

"Really..."

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:14:19
Character(s): Kynvelyn and Fleegle, still presenting
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Best Post Title

Comments:

"So," Kynvelyn smiled, moments later, "We're still here."

"Though we ditched the dead guy," Fleegle added.

"Way to be sensitive, Fleeg."

"Sorry. Dead PERSON."

"Anyway, Sturoster said that he'd try to track down whoever committed this heinous crime, yada yada yada, so we're back on the air."

"And just in time, too!" Fleegle continued, "because it's time for the Best Post Title! I get to do this one, right?"

"That was the deal," Kynvelyn sighed.

"It's probably a good thing, because you're, like, such a big suspect now. They might need you not to leave the city or something."

"Oh, bogus! I've got plans, man."

"Oh?"

"No, you can't come along."

Fleegle looked sad. "I didn't want to anyway. I've got plans too."

"Yeah, I'm so sure."

"Look, you just go look guilty somewhere while I read the nominees."

"Go ahead. It'll just show people who carries this team."

"Well, I just will."

"Do it."

"I'm going to!"

"I'm waiting."

"Fine. The nominees for Best Post Title are...

"Any Sufficiently Complicated Plot Is Indistinguishable from Bad Karma, by Kristin Andersen.

"Miss Manner's Guide To Dinner With The Parents Of The Girl You Lost In A Card Game And Who Ended Up Enslaved, Then Dead, by the Scourge of my Existence...

"Viking Women Don't Care, by him again.

"The Woman With Vectors In Her Eyes, by the guy whose post titles all seem to have 'girl' or 'woman' in them somewhere."

"Like yours wouldn't."

"Ahem. And finally, Yummy Yummy Yummy I've Got Evil In My Tummy. Same guy."

Kynvelyn stood around looking innocent.

"You're not going to murder me after I read this, are you?" Fleegle asked.

"What? And lose my best minion?"

"Partner."

"Semantics."

"The winner for Best Post Title is... the really long one!"

"Oh, for Christ's sake, read the damn thing."

"This is my category! I do it the way I want!"

"So where's the attractive actress you cast to be able to flirt with, then?"

"Uh, that's in the next scene."

"We only get two scenes, nimnol! We're not the freakin' hosts!"

"Oh, crap."

Best Post Title

1st "Miss Manner's Guide To Dinner With The Parents Of The Girl You Lost In A Card Game And Who Ended Up Enslaved, Then Dead" (Doug)

2nd "Any Sufficiently Complicated Plot Is Indistinguishable From Bad Karma" (Kris)

3rd "The Woman With Vectors In Her Eyes" (Doug)

4th "Viking Women Don't Care" (Doug)

5th "Yummy Yummy Yummy I've Got Evil In My Tummy" (Doug)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:20:41
Character(s): Shilree, presenting
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Most Tolerable Diarian

Comments:

An annoyed woman stomped up to the lectern.

"Okay, khiljacs, I demand to know what the Frijlxie you think you're doing with this category? Most Tolerable Diarian? That's just more of your racist kilhjac thinking! No wonder we're forced to spread ourselves across the globe! It's your stupid killjahc prejudices that make it necessary for us to send our best psychic healers to go and brainwa--er... soothe your animalistic kiljhack urges!"

Threnody and Schneider giggled to themselves.

"Hush, you two!" Trissia hissed. "It's only funny to us."

"In protest of this category, I will be refusing both my nomination and award."

"Shilree?" Threnody said through desperately gritted teeth, "you weren't nominated."

"Then my refusal is so entered into your khiljhahc Awards History! It will never show Shilree as a participant in this! I have so many better things to be doing!"

"Next year we ask the crazy one to do it," Schneider whispered to Trissia.

"I thought we did," Trissia giggled.

"And why only three nominees?" Shilree demanded. "There are five nominees in your qhildgeac categories... there should be SIX in what I will now call the BEST Diarian category."

"There were only three people nominated," Threnody sighed. "Don't take it personally, Shilree... you know we love you."

"Except when you send us stuff," Trissia muttered.

Schneider kicked her.

"I am now just going to open the envelope," Shilree said. "The winner of the Best Diarian is... Tarrin?"

"Now she blows," Schneider said.

"He is on the board just as a silly pawn to be tricked by your kiljach Skhitch! This is an outrage! Where is our beloved Emperor Anjra? I think she is by far the most tolera... er, Best Diarian! I will now give the award to her."

"Uh, we can't do that," Threnody said. "Even Kynvelyn couldn't change the actual outcome, Shil."

"You dare compare me to that murderer? I swear, if you kiljac do not get your silly awards in order next year there will by Xyxiyxrhyia to pat!"

"She means pay," Trissia offered. "Didn't spell check this section."

"Apologies," Threnody said. "This version is far too mean to post. We'll fix it in the editing room. Just cut."

"Schneider, did you put the original reel or the edited reel in?"

"Uh... next question?"

Most Tolerable Diarian

1st Tarrin (Jeff)

2nd Orlen (Eric)

3rd Sajhar (Jeff)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:22:45
Character(s): Rani
Author: Laura Redish
Title of Post: More Anti-Diari Sentiment

Comments:

"So you're telling me the most tolerable Diarian anyone could scare up was a sanctimonious jackboot who offered to euthanize me and poisoned a young boy's mind with racist filth?"

"Uhhhhhhh," says Khyrisse.

"Yeah, I can't really think of any better ones I've known either."

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:23:55
Character(s): The Sunfighter, presenting, Pluvious
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Best Skeeve

Comments:

Pluvious Sturoster lay back and began to dream.

Eerie music filled the air, and he found himself sitting in a comfortable armchair. A couch was to his left, in front of the red curtains. The tile floor was a zig-zag pattern.

On the arm of his chair was a cup of coffee.

He lifted it, and turned it slightly, peering into it.

The coffee spilled into his lap.

Just then, Spiffy Garbonzo, dressed in a loose-fitting red suit danced backwards into the room.

"sometimeS my stapler ,overflows" he said.

"Are you here to give me a mysterious clue about the murder of Jonah Cohen?" Pluvious asked.

",nO I am here to introduce the next .presenter"

Suddenly a young blonde woman appeared on the couch. She held her hands up in a strange position that Pluvious recognized as ASL for "Sunfighter."

Spiffy began to dance.

"iN this ,world I never dated ,signeT" the Sunfighter said.

"What can you tell me about the murder?" Pluvious asked.

"onE was wounded in the ,back" she said, "the other was wounded in the .head"

"Who? The murderer? Was the murderer insane?"

"anD now to announce the nominees for besT ...skeevE"

"Can he stop dancing at least? I'm getting queasy."

"firsT is thE ,myriaD introduced by laurA .redisH

",nexT thE raT ,kingS by douglasS .barrÉ

"alsO the woman who wanted to kill flickeR also by the man with the ...beard

"fourtH is the sunfighteR dreaM by ...myself or is ?it

"Why do I get all the weird cases. Can't I just throw a rock at a bottle and call it a day?"

",finallY the yeaR of livinG dangerouslY prophecieS by douglasS .barrÉ"

"But who is the winner?" Pluvious demanded. "Who gets the award?"

The Sunfighter stood, walked over to Pluvious, kissed him on the lips then whispered something in his ear.

Pluvious awoke backstage. "Threnody, meet me onstage in the morning," he said. "I know who won the award for Best Skeeve."

"Pluvious, we only have a three hour show. This can't wait until morning."

"Oh. Okay."

Pluvious walked onstage and took the microphone from Schneider who was doing his rendition of "You Really Got Me" using only mouth noises.

"The winner of Best Skeeve came to me in a dream," Pluvious said. "The winner is the Year of Living Dangerously prophecy. Now, can anyone who currently has a head wound please meet me backstage?"

Best Skeeve

1st The Year of Living Dangerously Prophecies (Doug)

2nd The Rat Kings (Doug)

3rd The Sunfighter dream (Laura)

4th The Myriad (Laura)

5th The woman who wanted to kill Flicker (Doug)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:31:49
Character(s): Oethnar, presenting
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Best Skeeve Resolution

Comments:

"In the forest," Oethnar said, "we have no head wounds. Well, except for the snakes."

He grinned widely. "Hi, Ari," he waved.

"The award for Best Skeeve Resolution is given to the writer who ist best able to recover from a random plot element. Forsooth, this beeth not an easy task, as I well knoweth. I myself wast a skeeve resolution, for my manner of speech beeth passing strange and my demiurge mysteriously disappeared midway through Year One. Fortunately, I turnethed out to be a tree, so I worryeth not abouteth such things. Eth."

He waved again. "Hi, mom, hi bird-who-moved-my-seed."

"The nominees for Best Skeeve Resolution beeth...

"Big Mean Devil waseth a humbug, by Kristin Andersen.

"The list of names foundeth by Endicott wereth the Twelve Missing Souls by Laura Redish.

"The woman who wantethed to kill Flicker was Norn, also by Kris.

"The King of Kings was verily in Tharr, by Douglass Barré.

"The stuck door in the Mithril Dagger waseth due to the Rat enterething the Dagger, by Jeff Hersh.

The winner, yea, verily, of Best Skeeve Resolution beeth... The woman who wantethed to kill Flicker was Norn!"

"Head wound?" Trissia asked Threnody.

"No, he's just a tree."

Best Skeeve Resolution

1st The woman who wanted to kill Flicker was Norn (Kris)

2nd The list of names found by Endicott were the Twelve Missing Souls (Laura)

3rd The stuck door was due to the Rat entering the Dagger (Jeffy)

4th Big Mean Devil was a humbug (Laura)

5th The King of Kings was in Tharr (Doug)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 01:35:04
Character(s): Two Damned Souls
Author: Laura Redish
Title of Post: Correction

Comments:

"Big Mean Devil Was A Humbug was my skeeve res," says the woman.

"Do you have any idea how much writing I've done this past two days?" demands the man.

On to Act 4

Endicott Award

Make Indian house * Native American art lesson * Algonquin symbols * Geronimo Apache * Alabama Native animals

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Language of the day: Minisink