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The 1998 Endicott Awards

(Last Updated: 5/4/98, 8:40 EST)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:13:48
Character(s): Threnody, Schneider, Trissia
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Opening Monologue

Comments:

Threnody: Thanks, Bill. We're all glad to be here. My name is Shalini Kyber, though most of you here know me as Threnody.

Schneider: Or Flicker.

Trissia: Or Janther. I liked Janther.

Threnody: May I?

Schneider: Yup.

Trissia: Wasn't saying a thing.

Threnody: Thanks. This years awards are particularly special, as they're the first time that there have been--

Schneider: Awards.

Threnody: Yes. Awards. Thank you, Schneider.

Schneider: De nada.

Threnody: And this year there is some tense competition to deal with.

Trissia: They're showing a new Simpsons even as we speak.

Schneider: And you'll miss X-Files if you sit here reading these.

Trissia: Unless you're in California.

Threnody: Are you guys going to let me do this?

Trissia: Sorry.

Schneider: Shutting up.

Threnody: As I was saying, we've got a lot of great posts and characters up for awards this year--

Schneider: Best Villain?

Threnody: You're going to get Best Guy With A Hook In His Head if you don't hush.

Trissia: I didn't say anything this time. Uh. Except that.

Threnody: Okay. Good posts! Good characters! Good time! Thank you!

Schneider: (to Trissia) I remember her speech as being longer last time.

Trissia: (to Schneider) They don't want this to go over three hours. We don't have any clips from Titanic to lull people with.

Threnody: Can we just do the musical montage?

Schneider: You're the boss.

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:20:05
Character(s): Threnody, Schneider and Trissia
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Musical Montage

Comments:

Threnody and Trissia, both in blonde wigs, are rolled on stage in a fake hot tub.

(To the tune of: "Girls Just Want To Have Fun", by Cyndi Lauper)

Threnody/Khyrisse: "We come here, in the hotel light,"

Trissia/Ariath: "That dumb Diari, he didn't treat your mind right."

Threnody/Khyrisse: "Oh, Ari, dear, do you think I'm that dumb?"

Trissia/Ariath: "Guess not. Want some of this rum?"

Both: "Yes, girls just want to drink rum."

Threnody/Khyrisse: "You're going to get me, in the middle of the night,

The Rat Pack says that you betray in a fight."

Trissia/Ariath: "Oh, Khyri dear, you know I'm just level one,

And girls, we want to have rum."

Both: "Yes, girls just want to drink rum."

Trissia/Ariath: "Rum! Rum!"

Threnody/Khyrisse: "That's all we really want!"

Trissia/Ariath: "Rum! Rum!"

Threnody/Khyrisse: "Some rum!"

"When the adventuring's done..."

Both: "Oh, girls just want to have rum!"

The hot tub is rolled out as Schneider enters.

A moment later, Threnody, wearing a dark pool cap enters.

(To the tune of "Lovely Rita Meter Maid", by the Beatles.)

Both: "Lovely Lita she's betrayed, lovely Lita she's betrayed."

Schneider/Jack: "Lovely Lita, she's betrayed! Ebreth has come between us,

"When he played cards he bet your heart away."

Threnody/Ebreth: "I regret I had to meet her,

"Have bad dreams 'bout selling Lita,

"Mem'ries of my past that I wish were dead."

Schneider/Jack: "And the fate to which you sold her,

"Slaver's brand upon her shoulder,

"Think you ever gonna get forgiven for that?"

Both: "Lovely Lita she's betrayed, lovely Lita she's betrayed."

Trissia is dragged out in the hot tub which now looks like a hot tub pretending to be a pirate ship. The other two exit.

(To the tune of "Point of No Return" by Andrew Lloyd Webber, from Phantom of the Opera.)

Trissia: "Past the point of no return, no trusted allies.

"The games we've played till now have cost your friend.

"Past all thought of going down, taking them with you,

"Tell the Pack their quest is at an end..."

Schneider enters, dressed as Jack.

Schneider: "What cunning plan will cut them loose?

"What gambit played is not uncouth?

"What way is there for me to saaaaave them?"

Trissia: "Past the point of no return, piss off your family.

"Surrender to the evil that's returned.

"Beyond the point of no return..."

Schneider pushes Trissia offstage, and Threnody enters, dressed like Celine Dion.

(To the godawful tune of "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic.)

Threnody: "Every night in my dreams

"I see you, I feel you,

"But I haven't yet turned around.

"Far across my distance,

"Psychosis between us,

"You read me books I never found."

From offstage, Schneider and Triss join in the chorus.

All: "Near, far, my soul's in a jar,

"I believe that I can not go on.

"Once, more, you opened my door,

"And I'm making a start

"And my heart will turn all around."

Threnody: "Post traumatic stress time

"Can last for a life time.

"And never let go 'til I'm gone.

"Now I'm coming back to

"Interacting with you.

"In my life, I'll try to go on."

All: "Near, far, my soul's in a jar,

"I believe that I'm missing the end.

"Please, look, just finish the book,

"'Cause I'm making a start

"And my heart will turn all around."

Schneider and Trissia enter and all three circle around the microphone.

(To the tune of "Pressure" by Billy Joel.)

Schneider: "You have to learn to trust yourself."

Threnody/Trissia: "Tension!"

Schneider: "And to protect your favorite elf."

Threnody/Trissia: "Tension!"

Schneider: "You've only had to hide your past,

"From her.

"But you have come, to a place, where the only thing you feel

"Is someone's knife, on your face, and you have to deal with

Threnody/Trissia: "Tension!

"Deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle...

"Tension!

"Deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle...

Schneider: "She called you 'professional.'"

Threnody/Trissia: "Tension!"

Schneider: "A pro at what you can't recall."

Threnody/Trissia: "Tension!"

Schneider: "You faked that you were still a

"Slaver lord.

"Now here you are, with these bums, and they're kneeling at your feet.

"You have no way to go back, and you'll have to live with

Threnody/Trissia: "Tension!

"Deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle...

"Tension!

"Deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle..."

Threnody steps forward, "We've got a great show for you all... so sit back and enjoy the 1998 Endicotts!"

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:24:00
Character(s): Maxwell Silverhammer, presenting
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Best Combat Post

Comments:

"It's a difficult thing to write a combat post, nearly as difficult as being in combat itself. Uh, like being in combat, you have to think not only of your enemy... which I guess would be the audience... but also of protecting yourself. Which I don't think fits my metaphor. But, okay, what if it's like riding a bike? You have to balance things... that's important... and not get anyone unduly killed. Which would be... hm, that works better in my first metaphor...

"Whose idea was this? This is worse than crop reports.

"The nominees in the category of Best Combat Post are...

"Vengeance In Black, by Evan Haag.

"From A Child's Perspective, by Laura Redish.

"I Keep Telling You, Don't... uh, Annoy... the Elf Chicks, by Kristin Andersen.

"Last of the Chaos (One Hopes), also by Kristin Andersen.

"And Norna Is Right, by Laura Redish.

"I think this is why they picked me to do this. The envelope please?"

Max places the envelope on the lectern and raises his black sword high above it, holding the sword over the envelope for a tense few seconds, before swinging it down in a perfect arc, cutting the envelope in twain.

"The winner is," he says, picking one of the pieces up, "I Keep Telling You, Don't Pi! Wait. That doesn't make sense." He picks up the other one. "Ss Off the Elf Chicks. Uh, you can put those together yourselves, right? I wonder where Krista learned such language."

Best Combat Post

1st "I Keep Telling You, Don't Piss Off The Elf Chicks" (Kris)

2nd "Last of the Chaos (One Hopes)" (Kris)

3rd "From A Child's Perspective" (Laura)

4th "Vengeance In Black" (Evan)

5th "Norna Is Right" (Laura)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:27:27
Character(s): The Peanut Gallery
Author: Laura Redish
Title of Post: Boy Toys Of The Ass-Kickers

Comments:

"Hnh," says Ebreth, to Jack. "Well, we were certainly pretty lame in that fight."

"Oh," says Jack, "well, I'm not, uh, really a combat kind of guy."

"Good thing we've got the women to kick ass for us."

"We're lovers, not fighters," says Vas.

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:29:28
Character(s): Rhynwa, presenting
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Most Valuable PC

Comments:

"Okay, before we get started, I want everyone to get one thing clear here. I have the hat. I don't know what smartass keeps trying to snag it, but if you do it again, I'm going to do the death dance of joy on someplace very, very personal.

"Now, as for the category of Most Valuable PC.

"It's hard to balance the different aspects of adventuring. On one hand, it's important to work together as a group. On the other hand, none of us would be where we are today if we couldn't deal with situations on the fly, without help from others. This doesn't even take into account--"

The hat disappeared from Rhynwa's head.

"whohasthehatIHAVETHEHATDAMMIT!"

The hat reappeared.

"Okay, someone's playing with fire out there. Just because these lights are so bright, don't think that you can get away with getting the hat without my seeing you."

The hat disappeared again.

"whohasthehatIHAVETHEFREAKINHATGODDAMMIT!"

The hat reappeared.

"This is you, isn't it, Kynvelyn? You smartassed little weasel... what? He's stepped out with his date? This is only the second award!

"Oh. Right. The award." Rhnywa grabbed onto the hat with one hand and read from the card in the other.

"Most Valuable PC nominees are...

"Flicker, played by Laura Redish.

"Jack Paris, played by Douglass Barré

"Khyrisse Starshadow, played by Kristin Andersen

"Rani something-I-can't-pronounce-'cause-it's-Diarian, played by Laura Redish.

"And the Rat--your party has a rat?--played by Jeffy 'Poodle-boy' Hersh."

"I'm going to let go of the hat to open this envelope. It better stay where it is, or someone's going to be pretty damn perfect, read me?

"The winner of Most Valuable PC is..." Rhynwa opened the envelope. "Khyrisse Starshadow! Congratulations, Khyrisse!"

The hat disappeared.

"Okay, now I'm coming out there..."

Most Valuable PC

1st Khyrisse (Kris)

2nd The Rat (Jeff)

3rd Jack Paris (Doug)

4th Flicker (Laura)

5th Rani (Laura)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:34:13
Character(s): Quell, Scourge of all Evil, presenting
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Best Restricted Plotline

Comments:

With a loud stomping, Quell, Scourge of all Evil walked onto the stage. Past the lectern. Two of the Endy hostesses took his arms and gently led him back.

"I sense EVIL here tonight!" Quell bellowed.

"If you are EVIL, raise your hand that I might SMITE thee!"

There was a general murmuring from the audience, but no one raised their hands.

"I am here to RESTRICT the Best Plotline," Quell said after making sure there was no evil. "I think the Best Plotline is Octavian, and I now forbid anyone else from joining it. ON FEAR OF SMITING!" he added.

Schneider wandered over. "Uh, Quell, ol' buddy? I don't think you're supposed to be restricting it yourself... I think you're supposed to announce the Best Restricted Plotline."

"But I had this great idea for who Octavian is, and I didn't want anyone else to beat me to it."

"Lay it on me, pal," Schneider said. "This ought to be good," he added to the audience.

"Octavian sounds sort of like octopus," Quell said. "And we all know that octopusses are fish, right?"

"You want to put that stick down before I answer that?" Schneider said.

"Fish all have gills. Which rhymes with hills."

"You came up with that all by yourself?"

"My father did the hill part."

"Got it."

"And what do we know about hills? They are ALIVE! Alive with the SOUND OF MUSIC!"

"This is downright scary."

"And who plays good music?"

"R.E.M.?"

"No, little friend! The Fluteist does!"

"Don't you mean the Flautist?"

Quell sniffs the air. "Is that EVIL?" he demanded.

"Fluteist, right," Schneider said. "So he's Octavian?"

"What, you think it's an ex-member of SPECTRAL?"

"Good enough," Schneider said. "Are you going to announce the award, or are you going to try to drag this out longer?"

"The nominees for the Best RESTRICTED Plotline," Quell bellowed, "are:

"Ashes to Ashes, the story of Amber, by Laura Redish!

"Coming Home, Shilree's Oddities, by Jeff Hersh!

"Counting to 56, Skneeder's Redemption, by Jonah Cohen!"

"That's Schneider, Quell."

"Schneider Quell? My name is Quell too! What a coincidence!"

"Just keep going."

"Orion's Belt, Warp and Jack on Rye, by Douglass Barré!

"And The Omeria Agenda, Omeria Gets Electrocuted, by Douglass Barré! Hey... wasn't she EVIL?"

"Just open the envelope," Schneider sighed.

"The winner of Best RESTRICTED Plotline is... Orion's Belt! You know, my father says that people who wear belts are insane."

"Maybe you should go scourge him, then, Quell. I think he's in 'We'll Always Have Paris' right now."

"I just might, my little friend, I just might..."

Best Restricted Plotline

1st Orion's Belt (Warp and Jack vs. Orion) (Doug)

2nd Ashes to Ashes (Ember's Story) (Laura)

3rd Counting to 56 (Schneider's Redemption) (Jonah)

4th The Omeria Agenda (Omeria Gets Herself Elected) (Doug)

5th Coming Home (Shilree's Odyssey) (Jeff)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:36:43
Character(s): Warp
Author: Laura Redish
Title of Post: Gone But Not Forgotten

Comments:

"Thank you," says Warp, waiting for the applause to die down. "Thank you. I'd like to dedicate this award to Tessa, wherever she is. I haven't forgotten about you, Tess, and this plotline may have reached completion, but the story's not over yet, I promise you that."

"YOU ARE WELCOME, LODWAR HOLY KNIGHT OF TAL!"

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:38:49
Character(s): The Hosts
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: "Girls Night In" Clip

Comments:

Schneider took the stage, followed by Threnody and Trissia who were now dressed all in black. They kept their hands hidden behind their backs.

"Okay, ladies and Diarians, since we're, ah, a little bit tight with the budget this year--something about overpadded host expense accounts, I hear--we're going to have to eschew the reinactments we had planned using expensive actors. I was looking forward to seeing Daniel Day Lewis as Jack and Billy Dee Williams as Ebreth, but there's only so much money to go around. Maybe next year we'll get to enjoy the dramatic stylings of Drew Barrymore as Ariath or Helena Bonham Carter as Valende... but, boy do we have a treat for you instead!"

Threnody hung her head.

"Yes, this year we'll be using state of the art mimicry to reinact the five Most Dramatic Posts through the use of... hand puppets!"

"Wow, Schneider!" Fred cried. "I love puppets!"

"And you'll love these, Fred... they're all hand made by myself and my fellow hosts!"

"Golly! I bet Threnody makes one mean puppet!"

"Only one? Au contraire! We'll have puppets of all your favorite characters! Who needs Keanu Reeves as Marty when we've got this hand-carved wood facsimile!"

Schneider held a board up with a face drawn on it.

"Hey, guys," he said in a bad Marty imitation. "I'm so dumb it's funny! Whee!"

"Can we just do this?" Threnody asked, pained.

"Right, right... so, for our first tour de force... the Best Dramatic Post nominated 'Girl's Night In!'"

Schneider (with Marty the block head) ran off stage, and Threnody and Trissia knelt down behind the lectern.

A big hand placed a bowl of water with the word "Tub" written on it up on the lectern.

On one side of the tub, a paper bag colored in with purple crayon with a Barbie doll head appeared. "Oh, my, am I ever sad and stressed out!" came Threnody's imitation of Khyrisse's voice.

On the other side, a Skipper doll head atop a homemade chain mail glove popped up. "We should drink copiously, then!" came Trissia's voice as Ariath.

"I like that idea," 'Khyrisse' said, "but aren't you evil and will back stab me?"

"Oh, no," 'Ariath' said. "I will listen to all your problems!"

"You are such a good friend!"

"So are you! Friends are good."

"So is this rum!"

"Let us take our clothes off because we are drunk and have subtle lesbic overtones," Ariath said.

"And send for more rum!"
"Yes, more rum!"

The two puppets bowed and the lights went down.

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:43:51
Character(s): Lilith and Geryon, presenting
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Most Elaborate Retcon

Comments:

In a cloud of brimstone, the archdevils Lilith and Geryon appear behind the lectern.

"Quake with fear, mortals!" Lilith cried. "For evil is here!"

"EVIL?" came a loud voice from just offstage. "Did Quell hear EVIL?"

Geryon took the microphone from Lilith. "Did we say evil?" he asked. "I meant... Weebles. They wobble and they don't fall down, you know."

Geryon glared at Lilith and handed her the mike.

"Uh, okay," Lilith said. "As I was saying... we come here tonight from our Palace in Hell--"

"HELL?"

"Helsinki," Geryon corrected.

"Helsinki," Lilith continued, "to give the award for the most... bad thing... on the board... the Most Elaborate Retcon!"

"A retcon, for those of you who don't know," Geryon said, "is a post that attempts to alter reality as we know it in favor of the author's own plan."

"Sometimes this is a good thing, like when it was revealed that the Rat Pack never actually escaped Hel--sinki, but are really my prisoners in a mental labyrinth that simulates their reality."

"Uh, Lilith, this ceremony isn't canon."

"Pooh. Fine then, let's just read off the six nominees."

"Five nominees."

"Whatever."

Geryon cleared his throat. "In the category of Most Elaborate Retcon, the nominees are...

"Alphred didn't really kill Kerouac because he was the shapeshifter, retconned by Jeff Hersh."

"Kevin and Kayla weren't attacked, but just went out for ice cream at that stinking little thief's request, damn his little hide, by Laura Redish," Lilith said.

"Her hide."

"WhatEVER."

"The King of Kings wasn't Odn, but rather a clone, retconned by Douglass Barre" Geryon read.

"Nothing anyone would do would stop the two blobs, also by Jeff Hersh," Lilith continued.

"And finally," Geryon read, "Val's inappropriate fear of undead and demons--"

"DEMONS?" the offstage voice of Quell bellowed.

"Who decided to put us on right after him?" Lilith demanded.

"--was due to a fearstone, again by Douglass Barré," Geryon finished.

"And the winner--if that's the appropriate term--is..." Lilith said, burning through the envelope.

"Jeff Hersh, for the Unstoppable Blob. Singular," Geryon said pointedly.

"WHATEVER," Lilith sighed.

Most Elaborate Retcon

1st Nothing anyone would do could stop the damn blob. (Jeff)

2nd Tie: The King of Kings wasn't Odn but rather a clone. (Doug)

2nd Tie: Val's inappropriate fear of undead and demons was due to a fearstone. (Doug)

4th Alphred didn't really kill Kerouac because he was the shapeshifter. (Jeff)

5th Kevin and Kayla weren't attacked but just went out for ice cream at Kit's behest. (Laura)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:46:00
Character(s): Kyria and Warp
Author: Laura Redish
Title of Post: Comics Geek

Comments:

"I wanted to see how it would have gotten out of it if you'd warped it into the sun," says Kyria.

"Absorbed enough solar radiation to trigger the hidden Diari genetic code that had been cached away in its cells for just such an occasion and which would have slingshotted it back through time to several minutes before I warped it there, probably."

"You're good," marvels Kyria.

"Hey, did you know that 'retcon' originally only meant to directly overrule the previously established canon?"

"Quit while you're ahead, Warp."

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:48:48
Character(s): Laura and Doug, broadcast from Hell
Author: Douglass Barre
Title of Post: ENDYS: Worst Joke or Pun

Comments:

"And now," Lilith said, "it is my pleasure to bring you, infernocast directly from Hell, your next presenters!"

The archdevil waved her arms, and a circle of flame appeared above the stage of the Anita Tuvin Schlecter Auditorium. In the midst of the flames, a vision appeared of a bearded man and a blonde woman sitting in some sort of restaurant.

"Hey guys," the bearded man said. "I'm Doug Barré, here with Laura Redish at the 100% Human Hair Bistro in Hell!"

"It's not a bistro, it's a cafe," Laura said. "Anyway, we're here today--"

"--like we are every day--"

"--because what better place to announce the Worst Joke or Pun winner than Hell itself!"

"I thought we were doing it just for the hell of it."

"This award," Laura continued, ignoring Doug, "is for the joke, pun, play on words, or other low form of humor--"

"Infernally bad," interrupted Doug.

"--that made the most people reading it on the storyboard moan."

"It's a Dante-ing prospect, isn't it?"

"Are you going to do this the whole time?" Laura asked.

"It's sin my nature."

"The nominees are," Laura continued, "Belle, Book and Candle, by Jeffy."

"Oh, that one's the pits. Of Hell!"

"Po' Folks, by me.

"The Sandy Claws joke--which I don't see why you get credit for, you know... Jeffy set that one up in his story."

"Finders keepers, losers weepers."

"That horrible Soylent Green thing you wrote."

"I couldn't damn the flow of my creativity!"

"You know, if you don't stop that, I'm going to dump peanut butter on your hair."

"Sorry."

"And, finally, your remake of the Mr. Ed theme song."

"Devilishly clever, wasn't it?"

"That's it. You're now my sworn enemy."

"I thought we weren't playing that way!"

"We are now."

"Fine. Then your my sworn enemy."

"Kay's already your sworn enemy. You can't have two."

"Just announce the winner, already?"

"Fine," Laura smiled. "The winner is... oh, do I have to read this? It'll just go to your head."

"What'd I win? What'd I win?"

"Too Much Time in TV Land, by the dork sitting across from me."

"I'd like to thank the academy, my parents, all the tortured souls..."

"Bet they got that way listening to you."

"Say goodnight, Laura."

"No. Get your own straight man."

The image blurred, and Lilith, mortally embarrassed, slunk off stage.

Worst Joke or Pun

1st "Too Much Time in TV Land" (the Mr. Fred sequence) (Doug)

2nd "Jack Still Can't Fight" (Kabuki Green) (Doug)

3rd "I'm Sorry But I Just Couldn't Resist" (Sandy Claws) (Doug)

4th "Belle Book and Candle" (post title) (Jeff)

5th "Po Folks" (post title) (Laura)

Endicott Award

Time: 05/04/98 00:55:09
Character(s): Kyria and Warp
Author: Laura Redish
Title of Post: Dimensional Analogs

Comments:

"Does that guy look--familiar?" frowned Kyria.

"Naaaaah," said Warp.

On to Act 3

Endicott Award

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