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'Does the moon look bigger to you tonight?'

The Book of Ataniel

The Search for Patti Spivot

Syndriannia: (comes flitting in) The away team has nothing to report, sir. Nobody has any idea how to resurrect an urn of ashes.

Palmer: Red Shirt Woman, ah'm afraid ah'm just gonna have to take you out back and BEAT the truth out of you.

Syndy: (retreats in alarm) Butwereallydidn'tfindanythingIjust--

Palmer: Ah'm just kidding.

Janther: (entering bridge) There's something wrong with the engine, sir.

Palmer: Well, what? Is it out of gas?

Janther: I don't know, sir.

Palmer: Well, didn't you look at the gas gauge?

Janther: Er... no.

Palmer: (yelling) Well who the hell hired a blind engineer anyway?

Janther: You did.

Palmer: All raht, all raht. Ensign Crusher, will you please go read Giordi the gas gauge.

Gdeon: OK. (They leave.)

Palmer makes an uncharacteristically pissed-off face and kicks the captain's chair. The engine can be heard turning over.

Troi: I sense--anger.

Palmer: No shit, Sherlock. (pause) Riker's looking down your shirt.

Troi: Riker, you wolf!

Noyarc: Yeah?

Troi: Oh. Right. I mean, you letch!

Noyarc: Look, babe, if ya don't want ta get ogled ya should wear a uniform like everyone else.

Troi: I am a civilian. It is my prerogative to wear sexy clothing.

Noyarc: Yeah, we know.

There is an explosion from the engine room. Everybody jumps up.

Palmer: What in the Sam Hill was that? Dr. Crusher, will you please go investigate?

Rhynwa: (wearily, getting medical bag) But what could have gone wrong? I--SON!


Gdeon: (sidling in) Didn't do nuthin'.

Janther: (running in) Wesley threw up into the gas tank! The whole thing's going to blow!

Troi: I sense--danger!

Palmer: Shee-yit. Data, quick, what's the square root of pi?

Magnate: I could let you know that for--oh, ten gold.

Palmer: Ten--goddam! (Scrabbles in pocket.) There.

Magnate: One-point-seven-seven-two-four-five-three-eight-five-oh-nine. If you want more decimal points that's an extra five gold.

Palmer: (typing furiously) Never mind--got it! Atomic number of oxygen?

Magnate: Two gold.

Rhynwa: Don't bother, it's 16, Captain.

Palmer: Thanks, Dr. Crusher. Giordi, go give her a pint of holy water and two pints of antifreeze for every pint he vomited. The antifreeze bottle has a handle and the holy water's in a decanter.

Janther: Right. (Exits.)

Gdeon: Maybe I shouldn't have drunk the booster fuel.

Rhynwa: (gives Gdeon an aspirin) Take two and call me in the morning.

Gdeon: (noticing Tila playing with dials) Who are you? Get off the bridge!

Tila: Hey, I'm just the alien babe who gets to screw Kirk. I can go wherever I damn well please.

Gdeon: But... you gotta!

Tila: No I don't.

Janther: (coming in) That did it, Captain. We're ready to go save Patti.

Palmer: All raht! Make it so.

Gdeon: Giordi, tell her she's not allowed on the bridge.

Janther: (regards her) Oh, that's just the alien babe who gets to screw Kirk. She can go wherever she damn well pleases. (Exits.)

Tila: I told you so.

Rhynwa: Headway! Chekhov just killed his girlfriend, I think he's going to...


Palmer: *Why* does he always *do* that?

Troi: I sense--pain.

Gdeon: Oh no, guys! It's Q!

Naz: Hey, boychiks, have I got a deal for you...

Rhynwa: Oh yeah? Take care of him, Security Officer.

Luthien: Can I set my phasar on "nuke," Doctor?

Rhynwa: "Stun," Security Officer.

Luthien: How about "envelop in furious violet flame?"

Rhynwa: That's "stun," Security Officer.

Luthien: I *like* "envelop in furious violet flame."

Rhynwa: "STUN!"

Luthien: You never let me have any fun. (Stuns.)

Palmer: Well, with him taken care of, there's nothing to stop us from rescuing Patti now!

Noyarc: Guess again, Captain. Look--(points at viewscreen)--the worst menace yet, coming in at 12:00.


Janther and Noyarc desperately try to steer the ship away, but the Betazoid cutter grabs ahold of it and beams her on, and it's Shannon at age 45. Before anyone can react, she's already shrieked at Noyarc for keeping the ship a mess and shedding on the floor, force-fed Luthien a leftover casserole, tried to seduce Palmer, and made Counselor Troi feel guilty for not sending her a Mother's Day card. Just when all appears lost...

Shannon: Ow!! (slumps to the ground. Shilree is standing behind her with her right hand still in the Vulcan nerve-pinch and her left in a six-fingered "live long and prosper.")

Gdeon: Look, in the nick of time! It's the Vulcan Empress to save us!

Shilree: (bows) I represent an ancient and vastly superior race. Our customs take precedence and my ruling is final. I will now save you gringos' sorry asses.

Troi: I sense--ethnocentrism.

Javert: I apologize for this.

Javert vaporizes the ceiling and lands on the bridge with a hundred or so Federation officials.

Javert: You are all *so* arrested. I mean, even forgiving the Spock thing, the Klingon business, Picard terrorizing the universe as part of the 'Borg--

Palmer: Ah plead innocent. It's Newell's fault.

Javert: That's not a valid defense. And now you just KO'd a Betazoid emissary. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right...

Newell: No, it's true. (pushes to front) He was authorized. And you can't arrest him now. Everything has to go back to exactly the way it was yesterday. It's in the contract.

Javert: That's not what the law says!

Newell: Well, it's what the producer says. Clear out.

And they all lived happily ever after... or something like that...

(Person to Blame: Laura Nagel)

'Does the moon look bigger to you tonight?'

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