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Prophets and Matchmakers, Part II
Character(s):
Jack, Asinus
Author:
Douglass Barre
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor II
Title
of Post: Ass And You Shall Receive
"Thanks for the smoke, toots,"
Asinus said to Khyrisse. "I'm Asinus Paris, your math-boy's uncle. You
ever hear of saddle smile?"
"Can we just get going?" Jack
sighed.
Character(s):
Khyrisse and the Rat Pack
Author:
Kristin L.K. Andersen
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor City Again Goddammit
Title
of Post: Dazed and Confused Den Mother
"Isn't that why adolescent girls like
horses so much?" Khyrisse replied without thinking, then pinched the
bridge of her nose and turned red, right through the stoneskin. "Jack,
your uncle is a bad influence."
"Sorry," Jack said miserably.
"Don't worry about it," she sighed,
without moving. "I have weirder relatives, trust me."
Once the blush died down, she looked back
up. "All right, we might as well go deal with the lame gang first,"
she said resignedly. "The Pyramid it is. All aboard that's going; no
pinching, shoving, kicking, backstabbing, prophesying, eating the upholstery,
writing on the walls, or warning me about Ebreth Tor, please. Bickering and
flirting are of course allowed, since I couldn't stop anyone if I tried."
Character(s):
Skitch, Ebreth, Fred
Author:
Laura Redish
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor Redux
Title
of Post: How About Wising Off?
"But I wanted to eat the
upholstery," complained Skitch.
"That's nothing," said Ebreth.
"I wanted to warn her about Ebreth Tor."
"GET IN!"
"If I say the King of Kings must die,
is that a prophecy?"
Character(s):
The Paris Family meets the Rat Pack
Author:
Douglass Barre
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor II
Title
of Post: Doug is a Stinker
"Actually, the nature of prophecy in
modern philosophy would allow for that, Fred," Jack explained. "You
see..."
Val closed her eyes. A nap it was.
***
"You know you're dating Ebreth
Tor," Asinus said.
Khyrisse clenched her fists. "I know.
I don't need to be warned."
"Warn? Who cares about warning? I'm just
a hell of a lot better in the ol' stable. This donkey tongue ain't just for
show, chickie-baby."
***
"Jack," Val interrupted.
"Your uncle is an ass."
"Don't I just know it," Jack
sighed.
Character(s):
The Rat, et. al.
Author:
Jeff Hersh
Storyline:
What the Rat Saw
Title
of Post: Words from the rat
Everyone piled into the Trade Carriage. It
was like a scene from the circus. Ebreth tripped over Jack. Jack fell into Val.
Val fell back onto the seat. A high pitched "Thank you!" emanated from
under Val. She jumped up, hitting her head on the roof. The rat, looking up at
Val with a look that could only be translated as some sort of curse.
"Sorry," Val said, "I
tripped."
"Thank you," the rat said,
dejected.
"I've got to remember to make version
2.0 roomier," Khyrisse said as she closed the Carriage door.
The Carriage took off towards its
destination.
Character(s):
Ebreth Tor
Author:
Laura Redish
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor Redux
Title
of Post: The Great Rimbor City Roadside Pyramid-O-Rama!
The pyramid loomed gaudily over the
deserted fairgrounds like some kind of preposterous gilded mountain. Ebreth
understood, of course, why Lucas had opted not to build a monument that was
actually made of gold just outside of Rimbor City; it was even likely that in
the bustle and glamour of the 801 Fair the thing had looked exciting. Now it
looked like an oversized theme casino painted gold.
Ebreth caught himself really hoping he
wasn't going to have to die in such a cheesy dungeon.
Character(s):
Ebreth and Ariath
Author:
Laura Redish, with help from Doug
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor Redux
Title
of Post: A Need For Thieves
"The door's locked," Ebreth
announced.
The Rat Pack kind of looked around at each
other.
"What," said Ebreth,
"somebody knows how to pick locks, right?"
There was an uncomfortable silence.
"I could try," said Skitch, a little dubiously. "You don't think
it's trapped, do you?"
"You travel without a thief?"
"Norn took ours," mumbled
Khyrisse.
Ebreth looked at Ariath and Ariath looked
at Ebreth. "Well?" said Ariath.
"Well what?"
"This has got a deadbolt and
stuff," said Skitch. "I'm sorry, Khyrisse."
Vas cast knock. "No good," he
said. "The door's magically protected."
"Maybe it'll work better if Ariath
casts it," said Ebreth. "Maybe we should all turn around and look
over there while Ariath casts knock."
"Bite me, pirate boy."
Khyrisse checked the door frame. It was
beveled. There was no way she could squeeze through in wraithform. Ariath sat down
and started doing her nails. "Looks like we're stuck here until somebody
figures out how to pick that lock."
"Yes, maybe somebody should,"
said Ebreth.
"I can wait all day, pal," said
Ariath. "This takes three hours to dry."
Character(s):
Alphred
Author:
Jeff Hersh
Storyline:
Rats kings and all that stuff
Title
of Post: Alphred crashed a party
Alphred was still wet from his swim across
the sea to Rimbor. Using the magic of the toucan totem, Alphred quickly homed
in on his quarry. He summoned the power from the aprix lizard totem and his
speed increased tenfold. There was the group he sought. They were standing in
front of a large pyramid. It reminded him of the ruins of El Shiai, in the
underground world of the fungus men.
"This is good," Alphred said to
himself. "All I need to do is summon the power of the slug totem and slow
myself down."
Alphred searched for the slug totem, but
couldn't find it. Just his luck, he forgot it back in Salagia.
"This is going to hurt," he
thought, as he ran full-force into the doorway of the pyramid, smashing the
door wide open and leaving him stunned.
Character(s):
Jack Paris
Author:
Douglass Barre
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Pyramid Power
Title
of Post: Watch Out For That Pyramid?
Jack looked down at the white-haired
savage. "Hi there," he said. "I'm Jack Paris, freelance
mathematician. Here's my card."
Alph looked at the card, wondering what
sort of totem it was.
"We're the Rat Pack," Khyrisse
said. "Thanks for getting the door open for us."
"Really, thanks," Ebreth added.
Ariath stuck her tongue out at him.
Inside the pyramid was a huge open lobby
that looked like it originally was meant for some sort of display. The display
was long gone, but inside were over a hundred teenage boys and girls, dancing,
smoking, and making out on mattresses laid around the room.
"This is my idea of a dungeon!"
Asinus Paris cried. "Hey, baby," he said to Khyrisse, "wanna
find a mattress?"
"Hey, dude," a young man with
long hair and barely pubescent face fuzz muttered. "Like, what's your
damage, man... why for you be comin' down on our rave?"
"Warrior King Mountain?" Novoa
asked Khyrisse.
"Warrior King Mountain,"
Khyrisse agreed.
Then the man in the robe with the giant
rat mask came out.
"Or mabye not..." Khyrisse
corrected herself.
Character(s):
Khyrisse and the Rat Pack
Author:
Kristin L.K. Andersen
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor City Again Goddammit
Title
of Post: Are You Sure This Isn't the Sillyverse?
The Rat climbed up on Jack's shoulder and
squeaked in astonishment at the man in the rat mask.
A cry went up from half a dozen teenagers
near the door.
"Look! They have a rat!!"
"It's a rat! The rat has come!"
Some chippie in a grey vest ran up and
swept up the surprised rodent in a hug. Asinus was probably jealous as hell--
she wasn't wearing anything under the vest. No buttons, either.
The girl disappeared into the crowd of
teenagers, extolling in a bubbly voice the virtues of rats everywhere and this
rat in particular. Cheers and the occasional yelp from a bitten admirer
followed her progress towards the man in the rat mask.
"Who are you guys?" one of her
friends asked excitedly. "Where did you get the rat? All the ones we found
were already dead!"
"We're the Rat Pack," Khyrisse
said automatically. "Where the hell is she taking our rat? We need
him!"
"Cool," said the girl, with a
stoned sort of awe in her eyes.
"They're rat worshippers,"
Ebreth murmured from behind her. Khyrisse would have given quite a bit to see
his expression; it sounded like he was about to die laughing.
Character(s):
The Rat and his groupies
Author:
Jeff Hersh
Storyline:
What the Rat Saw
Title
of Post: I am Rat-ar, god of thunder!
The Rat was confused, amused and
frightened all at the same time. He felt comfortable with Jack. However, all
these folks seemed to worship him. Humans were definitely strange people.
The barely clad girl carried the rat to a
large throne and sat him on it. Surrounding the throne was a rat's banquet. The
rat was impressed. Foods of every shape and size. Bushels of grain. Tubs of
peanut butter. Hunks of cheese. Too bad he was lactose intolerant.
Suddenly the room grew quiet and a mousy
man came out from behind a curtain. He was dressed in a tunic made of fine silks
and was wearing a rat mask.
"As foretold, our savior has
come," the garbed man cried out. "The Rat King has arrived!"
Character(s):
Alphred
Author:
Jeff Hersh
Storyline:
Rat Kings
Title
of Post: One confused Jungle King
Alphred pondered the card, then tucked it
into the pouch that hung from his loin cloth. He would discern the nature of
this m'a'th eya tish yan totem later. Right now his head hurt, but he couldn't
bother with that. These people were obviously the guardians of the creature he was
searching for. Unfortunately, just as he opened his mouth to speak to the rat's
guardians, the rodent was taken away by a horde of nubile teenagers.
Character(s):
Ebreth Tor
Author:
Laura Redish
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor Redux
Title
of Post: The Attentions Of A Donkey
Ebreth had tears in his eyes from the
crude passes Jack's horny old uncle was leveling at Khyrisse. He was doing his
best not to laugh, but the crusty donkey trotting after the delicate elven
sorceress, chomping his cigar and making crass invitations, was like something
out of a slapstick comedy. Jack's ears were scarlet. "Hey, Jack,"
gasped Ebreth. "A little help, please!"
"This isn't funny," said Jack,
mortified. "What are you guys doing with my rat?"
Character(s):
Geryon the Hunter, First Intendant Lilith
Author:
Laura Redish
Storyline:
Hell In A Handbasket
Title
of Post: Among The Enemies Of Trillarillia Carraria
"We have beaten back Jhiapa's forces,
Intendant."
"Good," she said.
"And Intendant." She waited, impatiently.
"I have something on Ms. Trillarillia."
"You don't say." Lilith was
suddenly very interested. "What kind of something?"
"A lead on how you might be able to
destroy her soul forever."
The archdevil frowned. "I'm not in
the business of destroying souls."
"Well, you'd better get in the
business," said Geryon, "if you want Trillarillia. Mighty
pre-patriarchal
goddess forces don't go to Hell."
Lilith looked around her. "I'm in
Hell," she said.
"You're running Hell. You want to
offer her a job?"
"No," she said. "I want to
ram the Schism Tine up her ass."
"Would you settle for destroying her
soul forever?"
"I would consider it," she said.
"Keep talking, General."
Character(s):
Khyrisse, Ariath, Two No-Good Bodyguards, and Asinus Paris
Author:
Kristin L.K. Andersen
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Who Needs 'Em?!
Title
of Post: Khyrisse In XXXenophile Hell
Khyrisse would have been more amused than
anything else, having just found the third-dumbest cult in existence, if it
hadn't been for Jack's uncle hitting on her.
She pushed at the crowd surrounding the rat throne, trying to get to
their guide. She didn't get very far. The teenagers seemed to be hopping up and
down around the throne in a solidly packed mass, chanting. Some teenaged boy
offered her a hit of sageweed. Khyrisse glared witheringly at him.
"I have to be nearly three times your
age. Go away. Vas, can you come here and do something about this?"
Vas appeared at her elbow. "Nearly
three times his age?" he asked, a little surprised, and edged in front of
her to push people out of the way. "Just how old are you, milady?"
"I'll turn forty this autumn."
Vas turned to look at her over his
shoulder. His mouth shaped the word "forty", but nothing came out.
"What?" Khyrisse said
defensively.
"My apologies, milady," Vas
said, with a teasing grin, "but when Luthien said you needed babysitting,
I didn't think he meant it literally."
Khyrisse and Ariath both gaped at him.
Khyrisse looked furious; Ariath looked intrigued. "How old are you?"
Ariath asked curiously.
Vas valiantly tried to suppress his
laughter. "Old enough to vote, which her ladyship here wouldn't be for
another thirty-five years!"
"Only in Liratyn! I can kick your
butt all over this room, Vas. That makes me plenty old enough, by Dyved
standards!"
"Ye gods," Valende gasped, hand
over her mouth to suppress her own laughter. "She wouldn't be thought to
have left puberty yet, in Liratyn."
Khyrisse shrieked suddenly-- but not
because of what Valende had said. She spun around and glared at Asinus.
"Not from the feel of that," he
agreed, leering horribly at her. "Trust me, I know a forty-year-old ass,
and that ain't it."
Character(s):
Ebreth, Skitch, and Fred
Author:
Laura Redish
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Rimbor Redux
Title
of Post: Clear The Detonation Area
"Oh, man, and is she going to kick
yours," muttered Ebreth.
Skitch took refuge behind Fred.
"What's going on, Wilbur?" said the transformed demon horse,
cluelessly.
Character(s):
The Rat Pack
Author:
Laura Redish
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Pyramid Power
Title
of Post: Ebreth Changes The Subject
"Uncle Asinus!" said Jack,
horrified, and got between the donkey and Khyrisse.
"Why, you whippersnapper!"
huffed Asinus. "You don't see me chasin' yer skinny behind away from that
floozy of yours!"
"Jack?" said Khyrisse, too
nicely. "Be a sweetheart and move out of my line of fire."
"He, uh, he doesn't mean anything by
it," Jack said awkwardly.
"The hell I don't!"
"Can we concentrate on my rat?"
begged Jack.
Ebreth shook his head. "I think forty
is a wonderful age," he said, seriously. "It's not how long you've
lived that matters. It's how much you've experienced, and how much you
understand." He put his hands gently on Khyrisse's shoulders and moved her
to the other side of him, away from the crass donkey. "And I'd say that
puts Khyrisse ahead of you two, unless you've been deities too and just haven't
shared that with me."
Val hung her head. Vas just chuckled,
unrepentantly.
Character(s):
Khyrisse and the Rat Pack
Author:
Kristin L.K. Andersen
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Who Needs 'Em?!
Title
of Post: What Exactly Does "End the World's Suffering" Mean?
"Oh, that's not the point,"
Khyrisse complained under her breath, squirming restlessly in Ebreth's hands as
he gently kept her away from Jack's uncle. "Liratyn's an old-fashioned
pain, always was, it's why my dad left. Did you see what he--" She waved
an indignant finger at the equally indignant donkey.
"Count to ten!" Skitch called
helpfully.
Khyrisse rolled her eyes and gave up.
"I'd turn him into a cockroach if he weren't Jack's uncle," she
muttered, and yanked her tunic down firmly over her hips.
"You act as if you'd never had your
butt pinched," Ebreth said in mild amusement.
"It's been a while, that's for sure.
Would you goose a Grendel-worshipping arch-mage?"
"Depends on the arch-mage,"
Ebreth said blandly. Khyrisse actually took him seriously for a second, before
noticing the mischief in the blue eyes.
Khyrisse yelped in alarm and skipped
away. "I'm going to go get the
rat!" she said, and dove into the crowd, elbowing her way to the throne.
"Hsst!! Rat!"
The rat didn't look up. He already had a
nest the size of her torso on the throne and was blissfully chewing his way through
a stale sandwich, twice as big as he was.
"Oh, lord. Another one seduced by the call of godhood," she
said, flopping to her knees in front of the throne with a sigh. She was only
half kidding. "I'm going to have
to get Jack, aren't I?"
"Yes! Another believer heeds the call
of the Rat!" shouted the man in the rat mask.
"Follow the rat!"
"The Rat King will end the suffering
of the world!"
"Rat King! Rat King!!"
"We're not worthy!!"
"Cleanse the world of its evil, Rat
King!"
"Abandon your false gods, follow the
rat!!"
"Why do I not like the sound of
this?" Khyrisse asked. A moshing kid bumped into her, and she whacked him
one negligently. "Mabye I'm insulted." She climbed higher up on the
dais and waved at Jack over the crowd. "Jack! He doesn't want to go!!
You're going to have to come talk to him, I don't speak Boolean!"
Character(s):
Jack Paris
Author:
Douglass Barre
Storyline:
The Rat Who Would Be King
Title
of Post: Another Pain in Jack's Ass...
Jack wended his way through the crowd to
where a nubile young blonde was stroking the rat's fur.
"Excuse me," he said, "but
that's my Rat."
"Hey, maaaan, the Rat ain't no one
but his own, maaaan! Like, don't be oppressing the Rat, maaaan."
"I have to assume this is where you
needed to come," Jack said to the Rat.
"But we're, uh, kind of missing the point."
The Rat noshed on some more sandwich.
"I mean, you didn't bring us here for
the food and, uh, company, did you?"
The Rat looked up innocently.
"Please?" Jack beseeched.
"No one's going to listen to us again if this is another wild goose
chase."
The Rat started to gnaw on the pillow he
was sitting on.
Jack turned to Khyrisse and shrugged.
Resigned, he sat down on the junk-covered dais next to the Rat.
"I think we're meant to take some of
the girls," Asinus said. "That's why we're here. Unless it's going to
make you jealous, chickie-babe," he added to Khyrisse.
"Ow!" Jack suddenly shouted as
he leapt to his feet. "What the flark?"
Jack stood and pulled a miniature knife out of his butt. It was
about two inches long, and very light. It was weathered with age, but an
engraved "O" on the base was still legible.
"Okay, who's the jerk who left some
old mithril amulet of a dagger on the seat here?" Jack demanded.
The Rat burped and went back to enjoying
the attentions of the Rat worshippers. He'd tell Jack where the third and final
stop was as soon as he had his tummy rubbed.
Character(s):
The Rat Groupies
Author:
Kristin L.K. Andersen
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Who Needs 'Em?!
Title
of Post: Khyrisse Obligingly Points Out the Obvious
Khyrisse came very close to telling Asinus
that he could have all the teenybopper girls he wanted. Suddenly thinking about
the probable outcome of this, Khyrisse kept her mouth shut.
She leaned over to look at the
offending item. She blinked twice. "Jack, it's a mithril dagger." She
reached out and tapped a fingertip on the engraved "O". "Odn was
one of the original Mithril Dagger Heroes. You just completely missed out on
the whole Shadow thing, didn't you...?"
Jack looked defensive. Khyrisse smiled at him, one of her rare gentle
ones. "Don't worry about it. It's nice that someone on this planet
did."
Character(s):
The Rat
Author:
Jeff Hersh
Storyline:
What the Rat Saw
Title
of Post: Enough of a good thing
The rat was having the best time in his
rodent life. It was about time, he felt, that he was someplace where nobody was
trying to kill, harm or otherwise maim him. Yes, he could live the rest of his
life here.
The rat circled once around the nest and
drifted off to sleep. A faint blue glow started to emanate from the rat's
underside. Then everything went to hell.
Character(s):
Alphred
Author:
Jeff Hersh
Storyline:
Rat Kings
Title
of Post: Are you sure this isn't XXXenophile?
Alphred was getting frustrated. He had
traveled thousands of miles to find the rat without a tail. He had finally
found it and now was hampered by a horde of rat worshipping teenagers. Well, he
would have to do something. He removed the oyster totem from his pouch.
"This will cause enough of a
distraction," he thought as he invoked the totem.
The totem's invisible energies moved
through the mob increasing everyone's libido to a furious level. The idol
worshipping cult paired off in twos, threes and even fours. Soon a path opened
among the orgy of lust and Alphred waded forward to grab the rat.
Character(s):
The Rat Pack
Author:
Laura Redish
Storyline:
Rat Kings: Pyramid Power
Title
of Post: Just What This Tobrinese Farce Needed
Jack and Khyrisse, standing on the dais
with the rat, turned in surprise as the crowd of rat-worshippers started acting
like they had taken Ecstasy. Jack surmised that some kind of mind-affecting
force was spreading through them. He noticed that it seemed to have a cone
shape and be emanating from the white-haired Salagian.
Then the wave reached the dais, and he noticed that Khyrisse was
sticking her tongue in his mouth.
Why was Jack Paris always the only one
unaffected by these things?
***
Meanwhile, behind Alphred, as the Rat Pack
looked on in utter bewilderment, the undead thing misted through the broken
door and launched itself at Ariath.
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